


someone tell me; what should i do?

by SesameSeed



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Depersonalization, Derealization, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, not really i’ll explain in the notes, vent fic, yes another one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SesameSeed/pseuds/SesameSeed
Summary: The first time it happened, Chan kept it a secret.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Chan | Dino
Comments: 1
Kudos: 65





	someone tell me; what should i do?

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaaand another vent fic !!! I don’t know what it is about vent fics but writing or reading them really helps me so I’m hoping that they’ll also help somewhere out there. Not that this is well written I mean I’ve cranked this out in one evening and a lot of it is stuff that I really don’t know how to explain but still, I hope it can maybe bring some comfort to anyone out there reading this!
> 
> If you struggle a lot with derealization/depersonalization I would recommend taking great caution while reading this fic. If you feel like it might trigger you please click off and read something that makes you feel happy and safe! Take care of yourselves first please! <33  
> And in terms of the self-harm tag, I tagged it mainly because some of the descriptions in this fic may be triggering, though rest assured that there isn’t any intentional acts of self-harm described. Again, be sure that you’ll be okay reading this fic! Your wellbeing should always come first!
> 
> Alright I think that’s all from me so I hope you enjoy reading this!

The first time it happened, Chan kept it a secret. Even if he wanted to talk about it, he wasn’t sure he could. He didn’t even  _ really _ know what had happened, and truthfully, that’s probably what scared him most.

The first time it happened, he was alone in his apartment, Soonyoung having left to pick up some groceries. By the time he returned, Chan was already asleep, his arms exhausted from the spasms that had lasted almost a full 20 minutes, and his legs stinging from where his fists had pounded against them.

It was only when he woke up the next morning, after giving his brain a night’s rest to compute all that had happened, that he came to a conclusion.

  
  


He was going crazy.

  
  


Chan had suffered from anxiety all his life. Ever since he was young, it was something he had to learn how to manage. He’d suffered panic attacks before, more often than he’d care to think about, but with time, he became better at managing them, at soothing himself through the attack until it was over. It was never easy, but Chan had always managed to get through it.

What had happened the night before, however, was no panic attack; at least not the sort he was used to experiencing.

The night before, there had been no crying, no hyperventilating, no shaking… nothing. He’d been paralyzed, save for the muscles in his arms, which had been spasming so violently Chan was surprised the sheer force hadn’t made his shoulders pop right out of their joints. What they  _ had _ done, however, was beat his thighs and calves so mercilessly they’d continued burning long after he fell asleep.

But what scared him most about what happened were his thoughts. They’d started out confused and scared, but quickly became overwhelming. Everything in his mind, from his growing panic to random song lyrics to fragmented pieces of conversations, started blending together until it was all nothing but noise.

When it all stopped, when he could move his legs and head again, and his eyes refocused, things just seemed… off. His and Soonyoung’s room didn’t seem the same, though nothing in it had been changed for months. Chan told himself that over and over, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right.

  
  


The morning after, the logical part of Chan’s mind knew he had to talk to Soonyoung, but he didn’t. Soonyoung knew about his anxiety, and had been there with him through some of his worst panic attacks, but this was different. The logical part of Chan’s mind knew Soonyoung wouldn’t think he was losing his mind, the logical part knew that his boyfriend would do everything he could to help him. But the other part of his mind, the part where all of his irrational fears and thoughts could roam free, was just so  _ scared _ of the mere possibility that Soonyoung would look at him with disgust and throw him away like a doll who’d been broken too many times to be kept around anymore.

  
  


And so, the first time it happened, Chan kept it a secret.

He kept it secret the second time too…

  
  


And the third…

  
  
  


And the fourth…

  
  
  
  


And the fifth…

  
  
  
  
  


He only realized that no, he  _ couldn’t _ get through it alone when it happened for the sixth time. The attacks had been getting worse and worse, sometimes so bad his own reflection stopped seeming real. This time, he wasn’t even really sure  _ where _ the attack had come from. He’d just been sitting on his bed in his softest autumn pyjamas  _ (the ones Soonyoung had gotten him years ago on his birthday, the ones that made him feel safe and protected) _ scrolling through his phone. He was  _ just _ about to get up when his eyes lost their focus, and his mind was bombarded with the overwhelming mix of thoughts that he couldn’t even begin to sort through.

When the cacophony in his mind was  _ that _ bad, he wished he was able to cry. He even wished he could hyperventilate. Because with most of his panic attacks, when the tears and hyperventilation stopped, so did the tempest of thoughts. But he couldn’t, and that made it all  _ so _ much worse.

It got even worse when the spasms started, when his arms started beating his legs harder and faster than the other five times.  _ God _ , it hurt so badly, but Chan felt as though he was feeling the pain vicariously, like it wasn’t even really his. And that mere thought made him beat his legs even harder, as though his body wanted to test whether or not he was even real.

  
  


Eventually, the worst of the attack passed. He hugged his arms around himself, grabbing fistfuls of his own sleeves. It was a desperate attempt to ground himself, because though he was no longer actively self-destructive, his mind was still all over the place.

  
  


_ ‘Nothing’s real…’ _

  
  


That’s all he could think. The room that had once been so familiarly safe and grounding to him now didn’t seem like it was really there. The blanket beneath him felt  _ wrong _ , the light seemed too bright and too dim all at the same time, and it was as though the entire room had been filled with a light, barely there mist.

_ He _ didn’t feel real either. If he was real, shouldn’t he be in control of his own body? If he was real, shouldn’t he be able to get up without being scared of losing control of his own limbs again?

  
  


It was  _ terrifying _ , and that was more than enough for Chan to realize that trying to deal with everything alone was a horrible,  _ horrible _ idea.

  
  


“Soonyoung?” He called, as loudly as he possibly could. His phone was right there next to him on the bedside table, but he couldn’t be sure that if he reached to grab it he wouldn’t end up smashing his wrist against the table’s edge.

“Soonyoung help…” said Chan again, weaker this time.

  
  


But it was enough. It was a matter of seconds before Soonyoung appeared in the doorway, looking at Chan with barely concealed concern written all over his face. His gaze fell on the faint bruises littering Chan’s thighs and shins, and that sight was enough to propel Soonyoung forward until he was sitting on the bed in front of his boyfriend.

“Hey there angel,” started Soonyoung, careful to keep his tone light. “What’s going on?”

“I just…” It dawned on Chan that he didn’t have the slightest idea how to explain what was happening without sounding  _ entirely _ out of his mind. That realization made him clamp his lips together in an attempt to mask a frustrated wince.

“It’s okay, baby,” said Soonyoung, giving Chan a soft smile. “Take your time, I’m right here.”

  
  


Ordinarily, Soonyoung’s words would have reassured him instantly. But not tonight. Tonight, it was as though his mind were rejecting any and all sources of comfort.

  
  


“Everything’s weird,” said Chan, his voice trembling almost as much as his body was. “Nothing feels real  _ nothing _ . I’m losing control of everything and it’s so scary and I feel like I’m going crazy and I don’t know what to  _ do _ .”

Without him registering the movement, Chan’s fingers dug even deeper into his own arm, threatening to rip through the fabric of his sleeves and dig into his skin. But if the action concerned Soonyoung, he sure didn’t show it, because when he spoke again, his voice was just as calm, and just as steady.

“Give me your hands, Channie. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Chan shook his head a little too quickly. He had to blink hazy spots out of his vision before he answered.

“Can’t… I’m scared…”

“Scared of what sweetheart?”

“I’m not in control,” repeated Chan. “If I move my arms I might hurt myself worse… or hurt you…”

“Oh, sweet angel,” said Soonyoung, a hint of the worry filling him to the brim seeping into his voice. “I won’t let that happen Channie, okay? I promise.”

For a few moments, Chan just stared at Soonyoung, his gaze flicking between his boyfriend’s gently smiling face and his outstretched hands. Then, with trembling, unsure fingers, he slowly removed his hands from his arms, and into Soonyoung’s warm, sure grasp.

“There we go Channie, you’re doing so well,” said Soonyoung, bringing Chan’s knuckles to his lips. “Do you feel like telling me what happened?”

“I… I don’t know,” whispered Chan, tears  _ finally _ springing to his eyes after being trapped somewhere inside him for weeks. “I was just sitting here when I couldn’t move anymore and then I just… I lost control. My arms were spasming so bad and I couldn’t stop them from hitting me and… and I just don’t know if anything’s real or if I’m really even here and I’m just  _ so scared _ Soonyoung.”

  
  


Chan was cut off by a heavy sob as his tears started to fall harder. He’d never been so scared in his life. He felt like a puppet, like no matter how scared he was or how badly he wanted everything to stop, his body wouldn’t obey him.

  
  


“Hey,” started Soonyoung, holding both Chan’s hands with one of his while the other wiped away the tears that were dripping down his boyfriend’s chin. “You’re here, I promise. You’re real, I’m real, everything around you right now is real I swear. Here.”

After a few moments of shuffling, two hearts were beating steadily beneath Chan’s palms, and both his hands were enveloped in a soft, firm warmth.

“You feel that under your left hand?” Asked Soonyoung, receiving a small nod in response. “That’s your heartbeat. You’re right here. You’re alive and you’re right here. My heartbeat is under your right hand. I’m right here with you. We’re sitting right here on the bed in our bedroom, and once we get you feeling a little better, I’m gonna pick you up and take you to the living room so we can cuddle and watch a nice movie.”

  
  


Chan couldn’t help but let his lips rise in a small, feeble smile at Soonyoung’s words. He was still scared, but with every beat of his own and Soonyoung’s heart, things started feeling familiar again. It was almost like he was re-entering his own skin and  _ god _ , it felt so good.

  
  


“Better?” Asked Soonyoung, stroking the back of Chan’s hands with his thumbs.

“Better,” answered Chan, scooting forward until he was close enough to drop his head down onto Soonyoung’s chest. “A lot better.”

“Good,” said Soonyoung, carding his fingers through Chan’s hair. “Is this the first time this happened?”

Soonyoung’s tone was free of accusation, but Chan still felt guilty.

“No… I think it’s been happening for the past couple of weeks…”

“Channie…” 

“I know, I should’ve told you.”

“My sweet angel,” sighed Soonyoung, planting a gentle kiss onto the top of Chan’s head. “I can’t imagine how scary it must have been. But you don’t have to deal with these things alone. I know it’s scary, especially if you don’t know what’s going on either, but that’s why I’m here. No matter what it is, I’ll be here to help you through it. You’re real, you’re here, and you deserve love and care.”

  
  


Chan didn’t respond in words, electing instead to wrap his arms tightly around Soonyoung’s torso. He closed his eyes as he let the sound of his boyfriend’s heartbeat, strong and sure, chase away whatever doubts tried to threaten his sense of safety and security.

Make no mistake, Chan  _ knew _ that these breaks in his sense of reality weren’t going to go away any time soon, but the threat of their reoccurrence became a far less terrifying prospect now that he wasn’t dealing with them alone.

  
  


“I love you,” whispered Chan, his voice muffled by the fabric of his boyfriend’s shirt, but Soonyoung heard him anyway.

“I love you too,” replied Soonyoung, and without another word, he scooped Chan up into his arms and looked up at him with a blindingly bright grin. “Now how about that movie, hm?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope that for those of you who experience anything remotely similar, this was something that brought a tiny bit of comfort or catharsis. Remember to take care of yourselves, and I definitely do have some proper writing projects planned so hopefully I can get to posting them as soon as possible!
> 
> Thank you again, and I hope you have a lovely day/night! <33


End file.
